Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn’t have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it …

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

‘Well, it’s quite simple,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome as it protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents and naturally, they ride the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family.’

‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’

‘No problem,’ He says, and in they go.

Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She’s got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm and Joe sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling and mom is beaming from ear to ear, but still … . Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket, but as he stands up the father immediately shouts: ‘Ok, ok, I’ll go do the fuckin’ dishes!!’

“””””

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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said Sven, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, “Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

“””””

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If you’re a military veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase “secure the building.”

If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.

If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.

If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.

If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

“””””

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.”

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!” The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those buggers just as hard as I could.” The trainer exclaimed, “Oh, so that’s what finished him off?!!!” “Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.

“””””

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