Farmer gets a knock on his door, it’s a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he’s been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.
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“Do you have any skills?” The farmer asks.
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“Well, I do have a rare gift — I can communicate with animals.”
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“…sure you can,” the farmer says. “But I like your style. I’ll put you to work.”
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So the man does a few chores around the farm and earns his meal. At dinner, he says to the farmer, “I know you don’t believe me, but I actually do communicate with animals. I can prove it. I spoke to the hens, and they said you were there every morning before dawn to collect their eggs, and you’ve been doing so every day for years since your wife passed.”
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The farmer says, “Wow, that’s exactly right!”
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The man continues, “I spoke to your cow, and she said you’ve faithfully milked her every day before dawn, and you’ve been doing so every day for years since your wife passed.”
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The farmer says, “I’m amazed. That’s true.”
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The man says, “And I spoke to your sheep…”
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“That sheep’s a fucking liar!”

“””””

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Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: “what’s your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?”

The old man replied “i’m gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground.

She calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said “that’s one” then got back on the horse and we continued our riding, after a while her horse again throw her off, she got up calmly cleared the dust and facing the horse said “that’s two” and got back on the horse and we continued our ride, and both times i was amazed by how calm and peaceful my wife is, after a while her horse again for ive 3rd time throw her off, my wife calmly got up cleared the dust off of her dress, grabbed the shotgun and shot ive horse in the face, i, shocked by what ive seen started yelling at her calling her crazy and insane, my wife however kept looking at me calmly, once i finished she said “that’s one” .”

“””””

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A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun. The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

“You’ll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout ‘Bangity bang-bang’. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ‘Stabbity stab-stab’. Now get moving.”

The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts “Bangity bang-bang!” the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts “Stabbity stab-stab!” and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.

So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting “Bangity bang-bang” and occasionally “Stabbity-stab-stab”, until eventually he realizes he’s the last man standing.

He’s feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.

The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, “Bangity-bang-bang!”

But the other soldier doesn’t go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.

The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, “Bangity bang-bang!”

But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, “Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!”

But to his dismay, nothing works.

Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.
He stands over the fallen soldier and says:
“Tankity tank-tank.”

“””””

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A druglord learns that one of his most trusted crew members has skimmed off nearly $500K in cash from his drug operation.

Donnie, the crewman is completely deaf, which was the reason he got the job in the first place. The boss assumed he would overhear nothing and so he would never be able to testify in court.

When the boss goes to confront Donnie about his missing money, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. He tells the lawyer, “Ask him where my money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks , “Where’s the money?” Donnie signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the druglord, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about?”
The druglord pulls out a pistol, puts it to the Donnie’s head and says, “Ask him again. And this time make it clear if he doesn’t tell me I’ll kill him right here and now!” The lawyer signs to Donnie once more, “He’s gonna kill you if you don’t tell him where the money is right now.”

Donnie looks into the boss’s eyes and sees no way out. Out of options and out of time he reluctantly signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a waterproof satchel, buried behind my cousin Pablo’s cabin.”
The boss raises an eyebrow and asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the fucking trigger.”

“””””

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