After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas. She insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She’s like most women – loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:

Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for $1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at $2.50, but you can two for $3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is $2.25, or two for $3.25.

They also offer meat and potato pie for $2, or two for $3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for $2.75, or two (any combination) for $4.75.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

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“As good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, ” I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there’s a wee place called McTavish’s…. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. “Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!” The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

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My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and the theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to torment the bird we really didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

“Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. She had better not shit in the vegetable garden again.”
The silence in the taxi was deafening…..

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