An elderly man and his wife are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

“Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.

“No, I can remember it.”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”

“I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?”

Irritated, he says “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness’ sake!”

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment….

“Where’s my fucking toast?”

“””””

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Johnny asks his Dad how a country runs. His dad thinks and replies, ‘Well, it’s like this. I earn the money in the house, so I’m the rich. Your mom takes care of running the home, so she is the government. The maid is the working class, and your baby brother is the future. And finally you Johnny, are the average citizen.’

That night Johnny is woken up by his baby brother’s cries. He goes to the crib and notices that his brother has soiled his diapers. He runs to his mom and finds her fast asleep. He then goes to the maid’s room and finds her in bed with his father. He returns to his bed.

The next day Johnny tells his dad that he has the working of a country all figured out. His dad asks him to explain.

“A country is where an average citizen can’t get proper sleep, as the rich are fucking the working class, the government is fast asleep and the future is all shitty,” Johnny explains.

“””””

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A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General starts, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What the Government has decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each centimeter of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”

The first soldier goes “From the tip of me head to me toes, sir!”

“Very good,” says the General, “that’s 178 cm, which comes to 356 pounds sterling.”

The second soldier thinks hard, and says “I’ll do from the tip of the thumb on my left hand to the tip of my thumb on the right hand, sir!”

General: “Even better son, that’s 183 centimeters which comes to 366 pounds sterling!”

Well the third soldier has been waiting patiently this whole time. The general asks him “Where are we gonna measure, son?”

He replies “From the palm of me left hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!”

General: “That’s a strange request, son! Are you sure you don’t want more than that?”
“Oh, I’m plenty sure!” grins the soldier.

Well, the general bends down to start measuring but pops back up almost immediately. “Soldier!” he yells, “Where is your left pinky?”

Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

“””””

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4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American. Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:

-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!

The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,

-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back and protect you from the whiplashes. Let’s start.

The bodybuilder steps up, with full conviction, he chooses a large and heavy metal shield to protect his back. Then, Satan starts with the whiplashes,

1…2… And the shield breaks apart. The 3rd never came, the bodybuilder screamed ‘Please NO, I give up!’

The Muslim steps forward this time. With a smug face, he asks for the physical manifestation of his faith to protect his back. He had done lots of terrible things, but it was all in the name of faith and it would protect him now.

1…2…3…and his faith began to waver…4…5…6… And the sound of something breaking could be heard. Before there was a 7th, he cries out pathetically ‘stop, stop, stop. Please stop!!’

Here comes the Buddhist monk’s turn. He asks for no protection, for pain is in the mind, he will hide behind nothing, and his body would endure any torment!

1…2…3… And he grits his teeth…4…5…6… Tears could be seen in his eyes…7…8…9…10… There is snot coming out of his nose and his back is badly mutilated. But he made it.

Now it’s the American’s turn. He is asked, by Satan, what does he choose to protect his back. The American ponders for a little while, and then calmly says,

-The monk.

“””””

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