A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher.

She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw, when they were attacked by a man on the street.

In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher.

She asked him what she should have done: “what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response?”

The teacher said very simply, “You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella.”

“””””

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

He said “No!”trying to hide his arousal.

She said….. “Check the garage

“””””

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A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.

When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,

“Please untie her, please, let her go!”

The thief responds with,

“No, I’m not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don’t worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration”

The man yet again pleads,

“Please, just untie her, I’ll do anything!”

The burglar once again explains his reasoning,

“I need to get away with this crime, I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything up to chance.”

The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,

“I’m begging you man, just let her go, she won’t call the cops, I promise!”

The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
“Wow,” he said “You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately”

“No,” The man replied, in a state of frenzy “My wife will be home in 15 minutes”

“””””

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Two 70 year old men, Dugly and Dan, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Dan is dying, Dugly visits him every day.

One day Dugly says, “Dan, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.” Dan looks up at Dugly from his death bed,” Dugly, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Dan sadly passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Dugly is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.

“Dugly… Dugly!”

“Who is it?”

“it’s me, Dan.”

“Dan! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Dan. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Dugly.

“The good news,” Dan says,” is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!”

That’s fantastic,” says Dugly. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re in the team for this Saturday”.

“””””

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