A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman.

Fed up, she finally went to the doctor. The doctor said the problem wasn’t physical, and said “I’ve been told hypnosis can help in these situations,” so off she went to the hypnotist.

The hypnotist said, “no problem, we can fix this. All we have to do is come up with a command that will clearly tell your body what to do. Just make sure it’s a word that people don’t use in everyday conversation, or it could be trouble.”

After some long thought, the young woman came up with the word “urinate.” She figured the only time you hear that word is around medical professionals.
The hypnotist does his magic.

Later, when the young woman gets home, she runs to the toilet, eager to test the solution.
Nervously, she says “urinate,” and it works right away.

Thrilled, she immediately sets up a date with a man she’s had her eye on.

They meet up at a fancy restaurant for dinner and drinks. Things are going really well, and the young woman is really enjoying herself.

A few drinks in, both of them are pretty buzzed.

The young woman, dying to hear what her date is thinking asks, “be honest, what do you think of me?”
He says “Well, I think you’re really smart, clever, and I love your laugh.”

Leaning forward seductively, she whispers,”you haven’t said anything about my appearance.”
He replies “well, you’re very pretty, but not like a supermodel, which I like. On a scale of one to ten…you’re an eight.”

“””””

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A man is watching two city workers busy in a local park. One digs a hole, moves a couple of yards and digs another hole, and so on. The other worker follows the first, immediately filling in all the holes the first worker has dug.

The man watching is furious, and approaches them saying, “I’m going to write to the city about this digging holes and filling them in right away, it’s a disgrace.”

“Hang on,” says one of the workers, “It’s not our fault that Charlie’s off sick.”

“Who’s Charlie?” asks the man.

“He’s the guy who plants the trees.”

“””””

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Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door, they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation.

He tells them he’s studying medicine and not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks two fingers up the man’s nose and asks him to blow. The nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck…..

“So…..” the wife says, “What do you think he’ll become after he finishes school … a General Practitioner or a Surgeon?”

“Well…..” says the man, rubbing his nose,
“By the smell of his fingers I think he’s likely to become a gynaecologist.”

“””””

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A blonde desperately wanted to win the lottery. So she prayed to God one day and asked him to help her win the lottery.

The next morning the blonde woke up and she didn’t win. So she prayed to God again asking to win the lottery. She reasoned that she’ll use the money to do a lot of good and cure all diseases in the world.

The next morning she woke up and she didn’t win. So she prayed to God again and asked to win the lottery. She reasoned that she’ll use the money to do a lot of good and feed all the hungry children in the world.

The next morning she woke up and still she didn’t win. Finally, out of frustration she shouted at the sky, “why won’t you let me win the lottery and do good for the world!”

Suddenly the clouds spread apart and God said onto the blonde, “I’m trying to help you here but you need to buy a lottery ticket first”

“””””

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