A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said: “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”

The girl nodded ‘yes.’ After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” the Captain asked.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

“He sure is, lady,” said the Captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.

“””””

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Dear Bob,

I enjoy your advice column and have a personal question for you.

Recently I noticed my wife has been spending a lot of evenings “out with friends.”

Also, I sometimes get phone calls where the caller hangs up as soon as I say “hello.”

Last night she went out again and this time I waited behind the boat for her to come home. I watched as she repaired her makeup, got out of the car, and took her panties from her purse.

lt was at that moment, as I watched her put her panties on, that I noticed a hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket of my boat.

Is that something I can weld, or will I need to replace the whole bracket?

“””””

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A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord’s name in vain while golfing.”

“I understand, my son,” the priest says. “I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?”

“Well,” the man says, “I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees.”
“Was that when you did it?” The priest asked.

“No, the ball bounced off a tree and onto the green,” the man continued. “But it bounced into a sandtrap.”
“And then you cursed?”

“No, I pulled out a wedge and chipped the ball right out of there. It rolled down the green and stopped two feet from the cup.”

“Ah, that was when you blasphemed,” the priest nods.

“No, Father,” the man replies.

“Jesus Christ,” the priest yells, “You missed a two-foot putt?!”

“””””

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Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says … “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel.”
Mario asks … “And what do I do with these things, doc?”

The doctor replies … “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.

If she says ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen!’, you hit her with the Shovel.

“””””

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