A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it. She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn’t say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, “Please forgive my behavior from before. I was entirely out of line.” “Wow,” the woman said, “glad to hear it.”

“If I may ask,” said the Parrot, “what on Earth did that turkey say to you?”

“””””

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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution…

“You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She would make lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”

“Did it save time?” the person in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven”.

“””””

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A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, “Here’s what you do: next time there’s a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You’ll see – that’ll turn you into a chick magnet.”
A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and pointing.

The muscular friend sees this and comes over to his scrawny friend. “Dude,” he says. “You have to put the potato in the front.”

“””””

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