She unrolled her towel, removed her clothes, and lay down in her bikini. She looked to her left and saw an absolute knockout of a woman lying on her towel, reading a novel.
?
“This woman is absolutely gorgeous,” thought Linda. “She’s the hottest woman I’ve ever seen. With my luck, she’s a lesbian too. I should start up a conversation.”
She turned to the woman and asked, “What sort of stuff do you like?”
“I like plants,” replied the woman.
“Do you like sunflowers?”
“Yes.”
“Do you like pine trees?”
“I like them too.”
“Do you like pussy willow?”
?
Suddenly, without warning, the woman tore off her bikini. Then she leapt onto Linda’s towel and ripped off hers. Linda was shocked at first, but then realized that this was exactly what she had wanted. So, the two women rolled around, making passionate love, and were inevitably kicked off the beach.

As Linda drove home, she thought to herself, “How did that lady know I was a lesbian?”
As the other woman drove home, she thought to herself, “How did that lady know my name was Willow?”

“””””

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A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

“””””

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In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth…wasn’t. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

“Mary…I’ve not much time left. So I want to ask you something that’s bothered me for many a day. Please tell me the truth…is Aiden really my son?”

Mary says “Seamus, as God is my witness I swear on all that’s good and holy that Aiden is indeed your child.”

With that Seamus breathed a sigh of relief, his last breath in this world. Mary closed his eyes, pulled the blanket over his face and said:

“Whew…thank God he didn’t ask about the other three!”

“””””

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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, ‘Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign that says, ‘Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 8 mi’ and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying, ‘Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right’ his curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door saying, ‘Sisters of Mercy’.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you, my son?’
‘He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.
”Very well, my son. Please follow me.’

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, ‘Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.’

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup.
He then trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign.
The sign says ‘Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.’

“””””

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