An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: “Well, how was that?”

The Airbus pilot answers: “Very impressive, but watch this!” The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, “Well, how was that? Confused, the jet pilot asks, “What did you do?” The Airbus pilot laughs and says: “I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the shitter, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry.”

“””””

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A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, “I want to be young again.”

*poof*

She’s young again.

“I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion.”

*poof*

She’s now living in a beautiful mansion.

“I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!”

*poof*

Her cat is now a handsome young man.

“Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!”

The cat says, “Oh darlin’, you should’ve thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed.”

“””””

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Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called “Jim’s Place”, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owner hired Accenture to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil, it represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice, “Not everyone is so observant but that consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 57%.”

I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others but I use the spoon”.

“””””

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Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation.

Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, but we’re missing an office cleaner. Do you have something to do with that?”

The cannibals swear that they are innocent.

The boss believes them and leaves the office and they all turn to their leader.

“You idiots!”, he screams. “Who ate the cleaner?”

One of the cannibals sheepishly raises his hand.

“You fool!”, shouts the leader. “For weeks we’ve been feasting on directors, team leaders, project managers and human resource staff, and then you go and eat someone they’ll actually miss!”

“””””

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