Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks. But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

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Granny went to the bank to deposit her $1M

Manager: “Good morning, ma’am! That’s quite a fortune. May I ask where did it come from?”

Granny: “I have a knack in gambling. These are my winnings.”

M: “I have no doubt. However, our policies prevents us from accepting it due to anti money-laundering laws.’

G: “Don’t fret, I understand, good sir. How about a bet?”

M: “I’m sorry?”

G: “I’d bet a million dollars that your balls are squared. Like two cubes in a ballsack.”

M: “That’s nonsense! Well, okay. I accept. 1 million dollars.”

G: “Very well, I’ll come by tomorrow with my money & lawyer to have a look at those balls.”

The bank manager rushed home to double-check and inspect his testicles in the mirror. With full confidence, he can’t wait to claim his easy money.

The next day, at the bank manager’s office.

M: “Shall we get started then?”

The manager excitedly stood up, took off his belt and pants. Granny gently reached out for his balls while her lawyer witnessed the preposterous sight.

G: “Hmm.. They are indeed round. Not cubes. My mistake.”

M: “Ha! No contest at all. I believe you have my money ready?’

G: “Yes, of course.’

M: “Great! What’s wrong with your lawyer? Why does he keep banging his head to the wall? Is he okay?”

G: “Well, you see, we had a bet. 2 million dollars for an old lady to fondle a bank manager’s balls.”

“””””

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A Polish man is in the bread line. A guy pops his head out and says, “sorry, but we are out of bread.” The Pole in line begins shouting: “I have lived in this country all my life! I have lived my life for Communism! Now I have no bread after waiting in line for 2 hours! What were we fighting for? Communism sucks! I hate this country!” A big fellow in a trench coat puts his arm around the man and says “comrade, comrade, please, do not go on so. Remember in the old days, what would happen to someone who said such things?” And he puts his finger to his head like it’s a gun. The old Pole goes back home, and when he opens the door, his wife says “what’s the matter? Are they out of bread?” “Worse,” says the man. “They’re out of bullets.”

“””””

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An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: “Why do you feel you deserve custody?”

The woman says: “I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody.”

The judge nods his head, and says “That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense.”
Then the judge turns his head to the man and asks: “She said her side of things. Why do you feel you deserve custody?”

The man sits in his chair and slowly drinks from a can of coke then he holds up the empty can in his hand and says, “Was this my coke or my ex wife’s coke?” Confused the judge says “I believe that was your coke”. The wife is also confused and the judge looks over at her and asks “Was that your coke?” The ex wife says, “No, it was his coke.”

The man looks at the judge and says, “Good we all agree. So when I put money in a coke machine and a coke pops out the coke is mine not the coke machine’s correct?”

“””””

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