A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or your mum home?” said the farmer. “No, they went to town”.

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?” “No, he went with mum and dad”.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

“I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one? Or I can give dad a message”. said the boy.

“Well” said the farmer uncomfortably “I really wanted to talk to your dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment.

“You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard”.

“””””

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An engineer dies and goes up to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer “Sorry pal, you’re not on the list. You can’t get into heaven.” The engineer says “Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I’m not on the list to get into heaven?” St. Peter says “Look I don’t make the rules, you’re not on the list, that means you go to hell.”

The engineer goes down to hell and introduces himself, gets to know the devil and says “Hey I could make a few changes to make things more comfortable down here.” He installs a state-of-the-art air conditioning system and all of a sudden it’s a pleasant 68 degrees F in Hell. God looks down and realizes he must have made a mistake and given St Peter the wrong list.

God says to the Devil, send me back that engineer. I made a mistake, he belongs in heaven. The devil says forget about it, this guy’s great, I’m not giving him up. God says “Oh yeah? You send him back up right now, or I’ll sue!”

The devil says to God “Oh yeah? And where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?”

“””””

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A Marine overseas receives a letter from his girlfriend. She explained that she had slept with his best friend while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any self respecting Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women. He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”
“””””

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Three construction workers eat their lunch at the top of the skyscraper they work on every day. One is British, one is Italian, and one is American.

The British worker opens up his lunch bag and finds fish and chips packed inside. “Ah, man!” He cries in despair, “fish and chips again? I always get fish and chips! I swear, if I get fish and chips tomorrow, I’m jumping off this building and killing myself!”

The Italian worker opens up his lunch bag and finds spaghetti packed inside. “Ah, man!” He cries in despair, “spaghetti again? I always get spaghetti! I swear, if I get spaghetti tomorrow, I’m jumping off this building and killing myself!”

The American worker opens up his lunch bag and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich packed inside. “Ah, man!” He cries in despair, “peanut butter and jelly again? I always get peanut butter and jelly! I swear, if I get peanut butter and jelly tomorrow, I’m jumping off this building and killing myself!”

The next day, the British worker opens his lunch to find fish and chips, so he makes good on his promise and leaps to his death.

The Italian worker opens his lunch to find spaghetti, so he makes good on his promise and leaps to his death.

The American worker opens his lunch to find a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so he makes good on his promise and leaps to his death.

At their funeral, the wife of the British worker is visibly distraught. “If only I had’ve known,” she sobbed, “none of this would have happened!”

The wife of the Italian worker is also visibly distraught. “If only I had’ve known,” she sobbed, “none of this would have happened!”

The wife of the American worker shrugs. “Don’t look at me, he packs his own lunch”.

“””””

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