An embarrassed older lady visited her doctor for help with a problem.

“Doctor, I don’t know what’s wrong, but I fart all the time. It’s strange because they are both silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I’ve farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?”
The doctor replied, “Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come see me in a week.”

A week later, the old lady came back to the doctor very upset. “Doctor, those pills didn’t help – they made it worse! I’m still farting, but now they stink horribly!”

The doctor replied, “Good. Now that we’ve cleared your sinuses, we can work on your hearing.”

“””””

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A guy goes to a bar with his chihuahua. He sees no dogs are allowed, and seeing a Doberman tied to a street light outside, decides to do the same. So he ties the chihuahua to a street light a few down from the other dog, goes inside the bar, and has a few drinks.

Suddenly, a cop runs into the bar screaming. “Hey, who owns those two dogs that were tied up outaide?” The man says “the chihuahua is mine”, and another man at the end of the bar says the Doberman is his.
The cop says, “well, the Doberman broke loose from the light. Tore the damn thing out of the ground. Craziest thing I ever saw.. He saw that poor little dog, and attacked. I’m sorry to say, the dog’s dead!”
“Not my little dog”, cries the man.

“No, not the chihuahua!” Says the cop. “The Doberman died!”
The other dog owner can’t believe what he’s hearing. “My Doberman weighed 100 pounds. Was a guard dog for 10 years and stopped a bank robbery. Just tore a street light out of the ground, and you’re telling me a chihuahua killed him! How is that possible?”
The cop says, “he choked on the little fellow”

“””””

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American doctors, always want to amputate. Make more money that way. No need to amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself!”

“””””

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A drunken tourist woman, totally naked jumped into a taxi at a Miami Beach Hotel.

The taxi driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

“What are you staring at, Luv, haven’t you ever seen a woman with no clothes on before?”

“I’ll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from…”
“Well, if you’re not bloody staring at me Luv, what are you doing then?”

“Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!”

“””””

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