Dad!, the girl I’ve been dating invited me over to her house.

“Oh that is great, Dugly. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises… Actually, no. I don’t trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget.”

And so Dugly did. And he head over to the girl’s place. After a chat and some drinks, things got saucy.
” Wait” she said, “In order to continue, you have to pass a test.” She then removed her shirt, proclaiming “My breasts! Pure and untouched. Only the sun on beach days had ever had a feel of them”

She then removed her skirt. “My thighs. Pure and touched by no one. Only the wind on breezy days has ever felt their softness.”

Finally, she removed her panties. “And last, my vagina, pure and untouched. No one has ever felt its warmth, nor the wind nor the sun. So tell me, Dugly, should I let you feel my body? Are you capable to match my purity?”

“Sure”, Dugly claims as he pulls downs his pants, “I am so pure and untouched, my penis is still in the the wrapper”

“””””

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

“””””

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One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

“What did you do today?” I asked.

She couldn’t wait to tell me. “We learned that boys are different from girls” she chirped.

Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. “My teacher told us that boys have a thing and girls don’t,” she added.

“Well, yes they do…” I said cautiously.

I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. “That’s how girls know that boys are boys,” she said. “They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy.”

I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.
“Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?”

My palms were beginning to sweat.

“Um…well…” I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject when she asked, “Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?”

Well, I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn’t asked herself that question at least once? “Oh, well…um…” I stammered.

She didn’t wait for my answer. She had her own. “It’s ‘cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that’s when they know they are boys and that’s when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked.”

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole, I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things.
As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag.

“I drew a picture,” she said. “Do you want to see?”

I wasn’t sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.

There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it … and I did … she got over her pique.

That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I’m not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven’t looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

“””””

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.

“What in the world is wrong with you?! You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied,

“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

“””””

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