Irish farmer joins the army, and writes home

Dear Mom and Dad,
I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm, tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone:
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don’t get out of bed until 6 in the morning, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there’s hot water and a light to see what you’re doing.

For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no fillet steaks or sausages. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are wrecked because we’ve been on a ‘route march’, which is just like walking to the well over the fields.

This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter, but I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bloody bull’s head and it doesn’t move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – ’tis no problem. You don’t even load your own cartridges, they come in boxes and you don’t have to steady yourself against the wall when you reload.

Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy, it’s not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local lads all at once like we do. Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either, it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got. I’ve only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin – he’s 6 foot 8 and 15 stone, so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.
Your loving daughter, Siobhàn…

“””””

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A boy tells his father “Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks “What happened?”
“Well, she asks me, ‘how much is 7 x 9?’ I answer ’63’ , then she asks, ‘and 9 x 7?’ so I ask ‘what’s the fucking difference?'”

“Indeed, what is the difference?” says the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”

The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks “Dad, have you gone by the school?”

“Not yet” the dad replies.

The boy says “Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”

“Why?” asks the father.

The boy answers “Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I answer ‘What, am I supposed to stand on my cock!?'”

“Exactly” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”

The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go by the school?”

“No, not yet.”

“Don’t bother, I got expelled.”

The father asks surprised “Why did you get expelled?”

“They summoned me to the principal’s office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”

“What the fuck was the art teacher doing there?” the father asked.

“That’s what I said!”

“””””

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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.

Because of the cost, most soldiers didn’t buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.

His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies sold, the captain got a call from the general. He was so impressed he decided he wanted to meet the young soldier and learn the secret of his sales success.
The general and the captain went to the personnel office and asked the soldier his secret.

“I don’t know, I just sell them the insurance,” he shrugged.

“Well, let’s see you in action,” the general said.

They called in a recruit and sat in as the young soldier went through his pitch.

“Now, there’s a great life insurance plan,” he began.

“Uh, I don’t think so,” the recruit said. “It costs a lot.”

“I know, but if you buy the insurance and get killed in battle, the army has to pay your survivors $200,000,” he said. “But, if you don’t have insurance, they pay your survivors $6,000.”
“Yeah? So?” the recruit said.

“So,” he said, nodding at the general. “Who do you think this asshole is going to send into battle first?”

——-

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