The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5 bill.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, “Thanks very much Father,…you’re a virgin.” The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5 bill.

Once again the lad looks at the money and says, “Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin.” At this stage the priest decides to take action. “Tommy,” he says, “that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?” “Yes,” says the kid, “a tight cunt.”

“””””

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Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are you going to travel with only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train, and the accountants take their seats, while the three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around to collect tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The accountants are impressed by this clever trick. On the way back from the conference, they decide to try the same tactic and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one of the accountants.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The three accountants cram into one restroom, and the three engineers cram into another restroom nearby.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, “Ticket, please.”

“””””

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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

“””””

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One morning at the research lab, an assistant accidentally left a cage open while cleaning and a little bunny rabbit escaped when he wasn’t looking. The little bunny rabbit followed the assistant out of the room, down the hallway, and right out the door.

The little bunny rabbit looked around in amazement; he’d been born in a cage, he’d never seen the outside before! He hopped over onto the grass, feeling it under his little bunny feet for the first time. He hopped down into a meadow, bewildered at all the new experiences: the grass, the blue sky, the fresh air…
“Hiya, pal! You’re new around here!” The little bunny rabbit turned at the sound to see another little bunny rabbit. This meadow bunny didn’t look sickly like the other bunnies in the lab, though. He looked strong and healthy.

“Y-yes, I, uh, just got here.”

The meadow bunny smiled and said, “Well, come with me, pal. I’ll show you around!” He led the little bunny rabbit to a wide field that was covered in small purple flowers. “This is our clover field, help yourself and eat as much as you’d like.”

Hesitantly, the little bunny rabbit took a bite. It was delicious! “Oh, my! This is so much better than the pellets they fed me in the lab!” He ate and ate until he could eat no more.

The meadow bunny said, “I’ll bet you’re thirsty! Come on, let’s get you a drink.” He led the little bunny rabbit to a burbling stream. “As you can see, the water never stops. Whenever you’re thirsty, come and drink all you’d like.”

The little bunny rabbit took a drink. It was the sweetest water he’d ever tasted! “My,” said the little bunny rabbit. “This water is so refreshingly cold, and it doesn’t taste like plastic!” He drank until his thirst was quenched.

“Come with me,” said the meadow bunny. “I want to introduce you to everyone.” And he led the little bunny rabbit to a clearing where dozens of girl bunnies leaped about and played. He introduced the little bunny rabbit to the girl bunnies, who all were very excited to meet him. And so that is how the little bunny rabbit spent his first afternoon of freedom: eating sweet clover, drinking cold fresh water, and frolicking with the girl bunnies.

The western sky was reddening and the shadows of the trees were stretching long across the clearing when the meadow bunny hopped up to the little bunny rabbit and said, “Friend, you look tired! Come with me and I’ll show you where you can sleep.”

The little bunny rabbit said, “Thank you, new friend. You and all the others have been very kind, but I must go now.”

Astonished, the meadow bunny said, “But– why?”
“I gotta get back to the lab,” said the little bunny rabbit. “I’m dyin’ for a smoke.”

“””””

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