Two friends lived in a Communist country.

The first friend asked, “Comrade, if you had two houses, would you give one of them to me?”
The second friend replied, “Of course, Comrade!”

The first friend was happy with this answer. He then asked, “If you had two cars, would you give one of them to me?”

“Of course!” replied the second friend.
Overjoyed, the first friend then asked, “If you had two chickens, would you give one of them to me?”
“No, comrade!” The second friend said.

Surprised and distraught, the first friend asked, “Why not, Comrade?”
“I actually have two chickens!” The second friend said.

“””””

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A police officer, on his nightly patrol, sees a blonde woman staring at the sidewalk and wandering in circles. He walks over to her and says, “Can I help you?”

“I lost an earring,” the blonde replies, showing him the other one.

After helping her look for twenty minutes, he asks, “Are you sure you lost it here?”

“No, I was near 5th and Main when I noticed it missing.”

He stared at her for a moment, confused. “That’s three blocks away. Why are you looking here?”

Without looking up, she replied, “Because the lighting is better.”

“””””

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Halloween was over. All the trick or treaters came and went. Some got candies. Some got confused when we said “trick” and sprayed them with water.

A couple of hours later while we were taking the candy bag inside, a 12 year old came dressed in all red.

Naturally, I told him that Halloween was over and we all wanted to go to sleep now. Instead, he turned to my girlfriend who was helping me and said. “Im your period. Sorry, I’m late.”

My man got the remaining candies.

“””””

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A waiter takes an order from a customer who asks for half a Caesar salad.

The waiter says “Well, we have a small and a large, would you like the small?”

The customer says, “No, I don’t want a small or a large. I want HALF a Caesar salad. Why is that so hard?”
The waiter says “Ok…. let me go check with the chef.” The waiter walks off toward the kitchen, but he doesn’t see that the customer has gotten up from his table and is following right behind him.

The waiter gets to the kitchen, and says to the chef, “Some asshole jerk weirdo out there wants me to get him HALF a Caesar salad…” and he jerks his thumb toward the dining room, and in so doing, he sees the customer standing right behind him.

“And this fine gentleman would like the other half.”

“””””

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