A soldier returns home to his wife after a year-long deployment overseas. He wants to show her how he managed to go a year without having sex with anybody else. “So how did you do it?” she asks.

“I trained my dick to respond to drill commands like so.” He undoes his belt and drops his trousers. “Dick, ten-HUT!”

His penis springs straight up, erect and raring to go. “Dick, at ease!” His penis soon becomes flaccid. “Now you try!”

His wife tries it—”Dick, ten-HUT!”, and his penis springs to life again.

“Dick, at ease!” The soldier’s penis relaxes and softens. “Oh, we need to show the neighbors this!” The wife leaves and comes back with their neighbor, an attractive 20-something woman. His wife encourages her to try telling the soldier’s penis to come to attention and stand at ease.

“Dick, attention!” the neighbor commands. The soldier’s penis, as expected, hardens.

“Dick, at ease!” But his penis does not go down. “Dick, at ease!”

The soldier looks down at his penis, still erect. “Dick, at ease!”

But the military man’s member refuses to go down, so he runs away into the bathroom. His wife follows him and sees him furiously masturbating.

“Honey, what are you doing?” she asks with a hint of worry in her voice.

The soldier replies, “He’s not following my orders so I’m giving him a dishonorable discharge!”

——-

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to….” “Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.

“Really..?” the photographer asked. “Well, good..! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start..?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”

“Bathtub, living room floor..? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

“Don’t I know!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”

“Oh my God..!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

“She was difficult ..?” asked Mrs. Smith.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep..?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

“Yes”, the photographer said. “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, eh……equipment?”

“That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod..??”, Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

“Oh Good God Yes..! I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action.

Madam..? Madam..?….. Good Lord, she’s fucking fainted..!

“””””

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A man is dying in the hospital. He’s surrounded by his two sons, his daughter, his wife, and a nurse. He turns to his family and says:

“Peter, my eldest, I leave you the villas in Beverly Hills. Samantha, my beautiful daughter, to you I give the apartments in Los Angeles Plaza. Charlie, my youngest son, I see a long and bright future in you, so I leave the city center offices to you. And my dear wife, the three residential towers in downtown are all yours.”

The nurse hears all of this and is impressed at the man’s sizeable fortune. She turns to the wife and says, “Ma’am, your husband must be very rich to be bequeathing so many properties. You all are so lucky.”
The wife retorts, “Rich? Lucky? Are you kidding me? He’s a milkman. He’s giving us his routes.”

“””””

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A man decided to tattoo his wife’s name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
>The guy replies in a Jamaican accent, “No man, why do you ask?”

The husband then explains that he noticed the *Wy* on his penis and shared that he also has *Wy* and then when erect it says “Wendy”.

The stranger then said, “When I have a hard on it says, *Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day*.”

“””””

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