A blonde millionaire walks into a bank in New York City before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”

The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

“””””

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A young man went to the new MegaMall looking for a job. The manager asked “Do you have any sales experience?”

The young man answered “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dallas.” The manager liked the young man so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, “OK, so how many sales did you make today?”
The salesman said “One!”

The manager groaned and continued, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

“$124,237.64″

The manager choked and exclaimed $124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?”

“Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and a fishing rod with reel. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Yellowfin. Then he said he didn’t think his Kia Soul would pull it, so I took him over to car sales and I sold him the 4×4.”

The manager, incredulous, said, “You mean to tell me…a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4×4?”

“No, actually he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend and I told him since his weekend is pretty well screwed, he might as well go fishing.”

“””””

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A married couple became famous for not having an argument in 25 years.

Local newspaper editors gathered at the occasion to find out the secret to their happy 25 year marriage.
The editor said: “Sir, it’s amazing, impossible. How is this possible?”

The husband began recalling his honeymoon days: “after our honeymoon, we began horseback riding, on different horses. I was lucky to have a gentle, kind-spirited horse.

My wife on the other hand wasn’t so fortunate. She had a crazy horse. As she was riding the horse, the horse began to jump wildly and she fell off. My wife patted the horse on the back, saying ‘this is your first time.’ She jumped back on and we continued riding for a while. Then the horse started acting wildly again, causing my wife to fall off once again. She didn’t lose her cool and patted the horse again, saying ‘this is your second time’. Once again she hopped on and again, the horse jumped wildly and she fell off. My wife pulled out a revolver and shot the horse dead.

My jaw fell to the ground. ‘What the hell are you doing? Did you just shoot a horse?? What’s wrong with you?!’, I asked her, shocked and bewildered.

She looked at me, ‘this is your first time’.”

“””””

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A man is wandering deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub…

The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.

“What can I get you?” the barkeep asks.

“I’ll just have a beer,” the man replies.

“Unfortunately, the guy who just left drank our last beer,” the barkeep says. “However, I do have another drink I can offer you… the Elixir of the Forest Elves.”

“What’s that?” the man inquires.

“Ah,” the barkeep responds. “It’s a potent mix of dragon blood, unicorn hair, and fairy tears.”
The man thinks for a moment. “Alright, I’ll try one of those.”

The barkeep gets to work behind the bar, mixing the mystical ingredients: lights flash, colors change, smoke billows. He returns with a goblet, its contents bubbling out of the sides.

Intrigued, the man takes a nervous sip.

“Jesus Christ,” the man exclaims. “That tastes horrible.”

“No shit,” says the barkeep. “Why do you think the last guy drank all the beer?

“””””

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