An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and so me apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

“””””

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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him, and says, ‘Did you call for me?’

The man replies, ‘No, what do you mean?’

She says, ‘You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.’

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her, and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts…
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, ‘Did you call for me?’ says the hairy man.

‘No, what do you mean?’ says the newcomer.

‘You must be new,’ says

the hairy man, ‘it’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.’ The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench, and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where the smiling, naked receptionist greets him, ‘May I help you?’ she says.

The man yells, ‘Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.’

‘But, Sir,’ she replies, ‘you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.’

The man replies, ‘Listen lady, I’m 69 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 26 times a day!’

“””””

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One day, a man bought a lie detecting robot that would slap anyone who lies. He’s sitting in his living room when his son walks in the front door. The Dad asks, “Where ya been, son?” Son: “I went to watch the new kung fu panda movie.” The robot comes and slaps the son. Dad:”Son, the robot slaps anyone who lies, now tell me the truth.” Son:”dad, I actually went to watch an R rated film, I’m sorry,” Dad:”Is this how we raised you, son, watching filth in your age, I have never done anything like this in your age,” The robot comes and slaps the dad. Seeing this, the mom walks in and says “ha what did you expect? he’s your son after all” The robot comes and slaps the mom.

“””””

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A couple good ol’ boys decide to stop at a saloon on their way through a small town.

It’s a crowded dive of a place and the only place to sit was a couple stools next to a spittoon. Bill and Larry were looking forward to some drinks, so they belly up. It quickly became apparent why no one wanted to sit there, as the tobacco-chewing regulars were constantly coming up to use the spittoon.
Both guys are three sheets to the wind when Bill tells Larry he’ll give him $20 if he takes a single swig out of the spittoon:

Larry: “Hell no! That’s DISGUSTING and there’s NO WAY I’m doing that for $20!”

Bill: “What if I offered you $50?”

Larry: “As much as I could use the money, it’s still not worth it. That shit is FOUL!!”

Bill: “OK. Would you do it for $100??”

Larry thinks for a minute, and decides to go for it. He picks up the spittoon, tips it, and takes a slurp. He keeps slurping and slurping, gagging with every swallow, until the spittoon is empty. He slams down the spittoon, wipes his mouth, and (looking a little green around the gills) holds out his hand for the money:
Bill: “Here’s your $100, but WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU DRINK ALL OF IT WHEN ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS TAKE ONE SIP??”

Larry: “I couldn’t stop. It was all one piece.”

“””””

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