A man is crawling through the desert, dying of thirst. The desert is blazing hot, and he’s desperate for water. He comes upon a traveling merchant. He crawls up to the merchant and says “water, please! Water! Water!”

The merchant says “I don’t have any. I’m a tie salesman. Would you like to buy a tie?” The guy replies “No! I need water! I’m so thirsty! Water!”

The merchant says “Well I told you I don’t have any. But go west about 10 miles or so, and there is a small inn where you can get water.” The guy crawls off. A couple of days go by, and the guy comes crawling back to the merchant. He looks even worse than before.

The merchant asks “what’s wrong? Didn’t they give you water at the inn?”
The guy replies “they wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, ‘First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.’ ‘Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.’ ‘Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.’ ‘He bested me at every move and I could not continue!’

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. ‘I don’t have a clue!!!’ the Rabbi said. ‘First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.’ Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. ‘And then what?’ asked a woman. ‘Who knows…’ said the Rabbi. ‘He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!’

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A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to “a typical Redneck baby boy weighing 20 pounds.” Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “Wow!” were heard.

A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, “Say, you’re the proud father of an amazing Redneck baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?” The proud father answered, “Fifteen pounds.” The bartender was puzzled. “Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?” The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, “Had him circumcised.”

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A fisherman caught a goldfish, the goldfish said that it will grant three wishes if the man frees him. Fisherman really thinks about the wishes, he pulls out a cigarette and a lighter from his pocket and drops the lighter near the goldfish, he said ” My first wish is for you to pick it up and light my cigarette” the fish is confused, but he doesn’t really care, he’s actually happy that it’s a simple task.
The moment the fish bends over to pick it up, the man fucks it from behind, the fish is shocked but moves on and asks the man for the second wish, the man took the lighter, dropped it again and said ” My second wish is for you to pick it up and light my cigarette”, the goldfish can’t believe what it’s hearing, but is hungry for freedom, so it bends over to pick the lighter back up and in that moment the fisherman once again fucks it from behind.

The goldfish is stunned by the wishes, he gains courage and asks about the third wish, the man takes the lighter and once again drops it near the fish and says ” My third wish is for you to pick it up and light my cigarette”, the goldfish can’t do anything but to grant it, it bends over and the man fucks it from behind the third time.

The goldfish is horrified, it turns to the man and says ” One day we will meet and I’ll do the same as you did to me”

A few years later the goldfish dies, it is in hell, the very first thought that comes to its mind is the fisherman it met years ago, so the fish goes looking around for him, while doing that it comes across multiple huge pots where different people are boiling in, he explores a bit more and finally sees him, the fisherman is in a huge cold pot, just swimming around having a blast, the fish calls out Satan and asks him ”How come he is the only one who is not boiling in here? ” Satan turns to the goldfish and says ” There’s the lighter and pick it the fuck up if you want to”

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