An old lady is travelling down a street holding two bags. As the old lady is walking, out of one of the bags there is a hole and every so often a $20 bill falls out. After a while a police officer sees this and approached the lady to tell her that money is falling out of one of the bags. The old lady, thankful for the kindness of the police man, starts praising him for his good deed as she starts walking back gathering as many bills as she can.

The police officer, whilst helping her out, asks the old lady, “Hold on, where have you gotten all this money from? You didn’t steal it did you?”.

The old lady replies, “no no, of course not. My house is next to the sports stadium and bar, so every day when there is a sports game, after a while in the evening people come and relieve themselves on my flowerbeds, making a mess everywhere. So what i do is i hide behind the flowers with my hedge trimmers and whenever someone comes to piss on the flowers i tell them “give me a $20 or I’ll snip it!’, and thats where i got the money from.”.

The police officer, amused, congratulates the old lady on her idea but asks “so what’s in the other bag then?”,

The old lady replies, “well not everyone pays”.

“””””

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Grandpa tells his grandson, “all you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn’t pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back three days later with a broken arm and covered in bruises.
The grandfather asks “What the hell happened to you?”

The grandson says “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge with my friends; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender – but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!”

The grandfather asks “Well who the hell did you go with boy?”

The grandson says “My friends from school, who did you go with?”

The grandfather says “Well… the 2nd SS Panzer Division”

“””””

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, “Honey, please…just one more time before die.”

She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…” At this point the wife sits up and says,”Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”

“””””

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I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, “You may now kiss the bride”, but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn’t mind.
>Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, “You may now kiss the bride!” My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, “Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?”

My wife answered,

“In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!”

“””””

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