A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion exclaims, “oh my god! It’s in the paper already?”

“””””

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A local bar was so confident, that their bartender was the strongest man in town…

So they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The challenge was for the bartender to squeeze a lemon until all the juice was in a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze out just one more drop of juice would win the money.

Over time, many had tried (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but no one succeeded.

One day, a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit walked in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to take the bet.”

After the laughter subsided, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed it dry.
He then handed the wrinkled remains to the little man.

To everyone’s astonishment, the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him $1,000 and asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

“””””

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A Jewish dad was worried about his son, who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but didn’t know much about their faith. To help, he sent his son to Israel to get in touch with his roots. A year later, the son came back and said, “Dad, thanks for sending me to the land of our ancestors. It was amazing and eye-opening, but I have to tell you, while I was in Israel, I converted to Christianity.” The dad exclaimed, “Oi vey, what have I done?”

Following tradition, he went to his best friend for advice and comfort. His friend said, “It’s incredible that you’re telling me this. I also sent my son to Israel, and he came back a Christian.”

So, they both went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, “It’s unbelievable that you’re telling me this. I also sent my son to Israel, and he returned a Christian. What’s happening to our sons?” The Rabbi then said, “Brothers, we need to take this to God.” They all fell to their knees and started praying and pouring out their hearts to the Almighty.

As they prayed, the clouds parted, and a powerful voice said, “It’s amazing that you’re coming to Me. I also sent My Son to Israel.”

“””””

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Three sorority sisters meet for brunch 20 years after graduation. The waiter asks, “What will you have today?”

“White wine, and a salad.” “White wine and a salad, also.” “White wine! And a salad!”

The conversation starts and Amanda says, “Why don’t you tell us a little about your life, Stacey?”
Stacey says, “It’s amazing! I’m married to an international businessman and we travel all over the world in our own 747! We have a home in Paris, we have a home in Palm Springs, we take our yacht to Saint-Tropez. Last week we were with the Kardsashians and I think Kim is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met! What about you, Amanda?”

“Well, much like you, Stacey. I’m married to an international heart surgeon and we travel the world in our 747. We have a home in London, a home in Miami, and I shop on Rodeo Drive. Last week we were with the Obamas and I think Michelle is the sweetest person I’ve ever met!”

And there sat Hilda. “What about you girl, what’s your life been like?”

“Well nothing like yours. I just married old Joe Jones out of college and we live in a really nice double-wide just out of town. He cuts meat down at the grocery store and we went to Six Flags last year and the kids were really excited about that.”

“Hilda, what happened? You were everything in college! You were the cheerleading captain, you dated the quarterback of the football team – isn’t there anything extraordinary about your life?”
“The only thing I can think of is that when Joe gets sexually aroused and has an erection [Hilda lifts a finger and points with her other hand] we can put 13 parrots on there, like this.”
Amanda wrinkled her brow, looked over her glasses and said, “How many?” “13 parrots.”
Hmm.

They keep drinking white wine and talking and the truth starts to come out. Stacey says, “Guys I got to level with you. I lied earlier. My husband isn’t an international businessman, he’s a real estate agent and we live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We got to go to Dollywood last years and the kids were real excited about that.”
Amanda said, “Guys, I lied, too. My husband isn’t a heart surgeon, he sells insurance where we live, in Topeka, Kansas. We went to Branson last year on vacation and that was kind of fun.”
Stacey said, “Hilda, thank you for being so honest with us earlier, but is there ANYTHING you might have exaggerated about your life?”

Hilda said, “Well, sometimes, [points at tip of finger] when we put that 13th parrot right there on the end, it has to flap its wings to stay on!”

“””””

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