An elderly married couple had just settled into bed when the old man let out a loud fart and declared, “Seven points!”

His wife, confused, rolled over and asked, “What was that all about?”

The old man grinned and replied, “It’s fart football.”

Not wanting to be left out, a few minutes later the wife let one rip and proudly announced, “Touchdown, tie game!”

After a short pause, the old man fired off another and boasted, “Aha, 14 to 7! I’m winning.”
Determined to keep up, the wife let loose with another big one, saying, “Touchdown, tie game again.”

Then, with a little squeaker, she added, “Field goal! I’m in the lead, 17 to 14.”
Now feeling the pressure, the old man couldn’t stand the thought of losing. Determined not to be defeated, he pushed with all his might—but gave a little too much effort. To his horror, he accidentally pooped in the bed.

His wife, shocked, asked, “What on earth just happened?”

The old man sighed and said, “Half time—time to switch sides.”

“””””

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A bunch of scrap metal dealers are all killed together in a bus accident.

They end up at the pearly gates and are greeted by St. Peter.

Peter: What are you guys supposed to be?

A big dirty guy in the crowd: We’re scrap metal dealers!

Peter: How come there are so many of you?

Big guy: We were at a scrap metal convention and were killed on the same bus.

Peter: This is highly unusual. I better go check with the boss.

Peter leaves the group waiting and goes to see God on his throne.

Peter: Dear Lord, there are about 50 scrap metal dealers at the gates and they all want in.

God: Fifty? Oh no, that’s way too many. Go back and pick the 10 or 12 best of the bunch and send the others away.

So off St. Peter runs towards the gates, but a moment later he is standing back in front of God with a horrified look on his face.

Peter: They’re gone!

God: what do you mean gone? Where could they all go?

Peter: No, the pearly gates! They’re gone!

“””””

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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter, “it’s just someone having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings.”

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

“Oh my goodness,” says the old lady, “now what’s happening?”

“Not to worry,” says St. Peter, “they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo.”

“I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m off down to hell.”

“‘You can’t go there,” says St. Peter, “you’ll be raped and sodomized.”

“Maybe so,” says the old lady, “but hey! I’ve already got the holes for that!”

“””””

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Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?”

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of Jail.”

Then he asked the second, “What did you bring?”

The second convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.”

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, “I brought these.”

The other two were puzzled and asked, “What can you do with those?”

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….”

“””””

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