A cute little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come, run with me through the forest with me! You’ll feel so much better!”

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!”

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.

“Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you’ll feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts beating the shit out of the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you.”

The lion answers, “That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he’s on ecstasy!”

“””””

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Guy with a really really small head walks into a bar I’m talking the size of a grapefruit tiny. He whips out This roll of 20s, and buys the entire bar a round a drinks and starts throwing money around.

After about four drinks, the bartender says hey man, how do you come up with your life savings in your wealth like what’s your secret? The guy goes oh I used to be an antique dealer about 20 years ago. I was traveling the Eastern Baltic and I came across the genie lamp and when I rubbed the lamp, a super hot genie came out and gave me three wishes so he goes. Oh that’s great.

What do you wish for goes well first I asked for this magical roll of 20s it just never depletes. I pull one off it just refreshes itself immediately so I have unlimited money. He goes OK very smart. What do you wish for second The guy goes oh I love Cadillacs so I asked for a new car every single year it just updates itself into the newest model every single year. I never have a car payment and I always have a brand new car. He goes man you’re set for life. You’re telling me he goes for the 3rd wish.

I didn’t have anything to wish for. So I told the genie, you’re pretty hot you want to have s*x? and the genie goes well. It’s just smoke below the waist so it’s not very enjoyable. He goes. Oh you’re right I didn’t think about that so how about a little head instead?

“””””

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An Englishman and a Dutchman are sitting in a pub. The Dutchman says to the Englishman, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”

The Englishman replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the pub, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar, and the gals practically throw themselves at me.”

The Dutchman says “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”

The Englishman replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for £10, and the ladies are none the wiser.”

So the Dutchman goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various pubs across London, with no luck whatsoever. A few weeks later, he runs into the Englishman again. He tells the Englishman “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 pubs, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”

The Englishman tells him, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first.”

“””””

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Three friends found a Genie, and he offered them three wishes. “Three wishes each?” one of them asked.
“No,” the Genie replied. “Three wishes in total. You can decide how to split them, but it’s only three wishes. And you can’t wish for someone else, the wish has to be applied to yourself only.”
After some discussion, they all agreed that the fairest way to proceed was for each of them to make one wish.

The first one wished to be immortal. The Genie nodded, but before granting the wish, the second friend interrupted, saying, “WAIT! I know how this works. He’ll make you immortal, but you’ll keep ageing. After 100 years, you’ll be a vegetable, unable to move, fully aware that you’ll be stuck like that for all eternity.”

The first guy raised his hand. “Excuse me, can I change my wish?”
“OK,” said the Genie. “You can swap. What do you want?”
“I don’t want to get old. I want to be young and healthy forever.”
The Genie replied, “Are you sure? You could still die if you have an accident.”
“Yes, I understand, but at least I won’t get sick or old.”
“OK.”

The second guy said, “I want that too, young and healthy forever.”
The Genie nodded. “Alright.”

Then he turned to the third guy. “And what about you? Do you want the same?”
The third guy shook his head. “No. You know when you take a crap, and it comes out quick, clean, and easy? And then when you go to wipe, you realize it’s already clean? I want every single one of my shits to be like that for the rest of my life.”

The other two friends looked at each other and raised their hands.

“””””

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