The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?” Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”

God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally, he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”

“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some keywords, And waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!”
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Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida. One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the place, and retired to down here.”

The second man said “I had a big store, in Philadelphia. One night, it caught fire, and burned to the ground. I didn’t want to go through all the work of rebuilding, so I sold the property, took the insurance money, and moved here, too.”

The third man said “I owned a huge car dealership in Miami. Two years ago, a hurricane blew through, and destroyed everything, even the buildings. I, too, decided to take the insurance money, and retire.”
His companions looked at him in awe. After a few moments of silence, one asked “How did you start a hurricane??”

“””””

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A monk was about to take a shower and realized he’d forgotten to bring his soap so he left he the shower and ran naked down the hall to his room to grab some soap.

He took two bars, figuring he’d leave one there for future use, and was walking back to the shower when he heard some nuns nuns coming up behind him.

Terrified that they might recognize him, he froze and pretended to be a statue.

When the nuns saw him him they were surprised by how lifelike the statue looked.

The first nun was so curious she pulled on the monk’s penis.

The monk, completely surprised, dropped one of the bars of soap.

“It’s a machine to get a bar of soap!” the second nun exclaimed, pulled the monk’s penis and sure enough he dropped the second bar.

But when the third nun pulled nothing happened so she tried again.

This went on for a bit and the other two nuns get bored and started to walk away when suddenly the third nun shouted, “Hallelujah! It also has liquid soap!”

“””””

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They decide it would be fun to swap partners for the night. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, “Is it long enough?” She replies, “It could be a bit longer I suppose.” So the alien man slaps himself on the forehead a few times and it grows longer! Then he asks her, “Is it wide enough?” and again she says. “I guess it could be just a bit wider.” So he starts tugging at his own ears and it gets a bit wider.

An hour or so later the human couple get together to discuss. The man asks the woman, “So how was your experience with the alien man? Be honest!” She says “Honestly? No offense to you, but that was the single greatest sexual experience of my life. What about you and the alien woman?” The man replies, “Don’t get me wrong, it was good and all but she kept slapping me in the head and pulling at my ears really hard.”

“””””

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