A man and a woman meet in a bar and the man cannot shake the sense that they have met before. She assures him them haven’t. They start tracing through their histories and she’s right, they went to different schools, churches, and had a different group of friends.

Then it occurs to him. They haven’t met, but he knew her voice very well. He worked at the local factory and every day he called the local bank for their time and temperature service so he could blow the lunch whistle precisely at noon.

“I’ve got it!” he announces. “You work at the bank! You’re the time and temperature voice!” She smiles and admits that is her recorded voice. “I’ve always wondered, how do you know exactly what time it is?”
“Easy,” she replies. “Every day at noon, the factory blows it whistle.”

“””””

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Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?” The other answers, “I don’t know—I thought you were watching.”
“””””

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A man has three girlfriends but doesn’t know which one to marry. So as a test, he gives each of them $5,000 to see how they spend them.

The first girlfriend gives herself a complete makeover. She got a new hairstyle, new makeup, and a whole new wardrobe. When asked why she did this, she said “I wanted to make myself beautiful for you because I love you so much.”

The second girlfriend bought him a bunch of gifts, including a new set of golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen TV. When asked why she did this, she said “I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.”

The third girlfriend took the money and invested it in the stock market. She doubled her investment, gave the $5k back to him and re-invested the rest. When asked why, she said “I’m investing this money for our future together because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each girlfriend spent the money, and after careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest tits.

“””””

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A cute little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come, run with me through the forest with me! You’ll feel so much better!”

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!”

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.

“Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you’ll feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts beating the shit out of the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you.”

The lion answers, “That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he’s on ecstasy!”

“””””

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