A group of nuns is visiting the zoo. They are outside the gorilla enclosure when one of the gorillas breaks out, grabs one of the nuns, takes her back inside, and proceeds to have his way with her for several hours until they are able to get her back.

A few weeks later, back at the convent, she is approached by one of the other nuns who says, “How are you doing? I know it must be horrible.” And the nun replies, “It is. He never calls, he never writes . ..”

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A married couple are sitting in bed looking at their phones when the husband stumbles upon an article about the sex lives of married couples and those in long term relationships. He reads about how, after a certain period of time, couples can fall into bad habits and patterns, primarily of which is a lack of communication – especially when making love.

“Honey,” he begins. “This article I’m reading says that sometimes that couples can enter stages of not sharing what they feel during sex. Sometimes with women not telling their partners they’ve climaxed for whatever reason. Honey, you’ll tell me the next time you have an orgasm, won’t you?”

The wife looks up from her phone and gives her husband a loving smile. “I would,” she says. “But you know I don’t like bothering you at work.”

“””””

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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?” Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”

God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally, he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”

“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some keywords, And waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!”
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Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida. One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the place, and retired to down here.”

The second man said “I had a big store, in Philadelphia. One night, it caught fire, and burned to the ground. I didn’t want to go through all the work of rebuilding, so I sold the property, took the insurance money, and moved here, too.”

The third man said “I owned a huge car dealership in Miami. Two years ago, a hurricane blew through, and destroyed everything, even the buildings. I, too, decided to take the insurance money, and retire.”
His companions looked at him in awe. After a few moments of silence, one asked “How did you start a hurricane??”

“””””

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