Why don’t we see baby pigeons?

Do corpses wear underwear?

Let’s say it’s Monday. When the clock is changing from 11:59pm to 12:00am at the exact split second in the transition is it Monday or Tuesday? What if its the last day of March going into April? What month is it?

If you aren’t aloud to drink and drive then why do bars have parking lots?

Why do 24/7 stores have locks on the doors?

If someone is peeing and they die halfway through would they finish or stop when they died?

When a glass is filled with water to the middle is it half empty or half full?

Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say I’m going to eat the first thing that comes out of its’ butt?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say “Hey I’m gonna squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?

Why do some packages of food say “DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN!!!” on the bottom?

Why are the keys on a key board not in alphabetical order?

If Mars had an Earth quake would it be called a Mars quake?

If Noah had woodpeckers on the arc where did he put them?

If our body temperature is 98.6 degrees then why are we not comfortable when it is 98 degrees outside?

Why does lbs. stand for pounds if there isn’t a “l” or a “b” in ponds?

Do bald men use soap or shampoo?

Why were those “Baby on Board” signs? Did they help us choose which car not to hit in an accident?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How did stcking up your middle finger at someone come to mean F*** You?

What happens when you say “Hi” to a friend on an airplane whose name is Jack?

Why doesn’t any T.V. have the channel 1?

Why do they call them APARTments when they are stuck together?

Why aren’t French fries considered a vegetable when they are just deep fried potatoes?

Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable?

Why did you read this whole list?

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What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell she has a grenade in her mouth.

What’s the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde? There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

What did the blonde say after her doctor told her she was pregnant? “Is it mine?”

How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

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TO: All Employees RE: Swearing at work

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He’s a f___ing pr_ck.

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A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. “This is great,” he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. “I can get away from him with no problem” thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.” He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back”

“Have a good day, Sir,” said the Trooper
 
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