A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
 

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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper,that’s the time to do it.

5. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

16. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don’t worry, it only seems wierd the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with men. Neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.

28. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
“““““

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A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

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A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldnt move. Oh, Lord, the preacher prayed, Im so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish….please make a Christian out of that bear thats coming at me. Please, Lord!

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preachers feet. Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive…..

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