An Englishman and a Dutchman are sitting in a pub. The Dutchman says to the Englishman, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”

The Englishman replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the pub, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar, and the gals practically throw themselves at me.”

The Dutchman says “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”

The Englishman replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for £10, and the ladies are none the wiser.”

So the Dutchman goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various pubs across London, with no luck whatsoever. A few weeks later, he runs into the Englishman again. He tells the Englishman “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 pubs, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”

The Englishman tells him, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first.”

“””””

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Three friends found a Genie, and he offered them three wishes. “Three wishes each?” one of them asked.
“No,” the Genie replied. “Three wishes in total. You can decide how to split them, but it’s only three wishes. And you can’t wish for someone else, the wish has to be applied to yourself only.”
After some discussion, they all agreed that the fairest way to proceed was for each of them to make one wish.

The first one wished to be immortal. The Genie nodded, but before granting the wish, the second friend interrupted, saying, “WAIT! I know how this works. He’ll make you immortal, but you’ll keep ageing. After 100 years, you’ll be a vegetable, unable to move, fully aware that you’ll be stuck like that for all eternity.”

The first guy raised his hand. “Excuse me, can I change my wish?”
“OK,” said the Genie. “You can swap. What do you want?”
“I don’t want to get old. I want to be young and healthy forever.”
The Genie replied, “Are you sure? You could still die if you have an accident.”
“Yes, I understand, but at least I won’t get sick or old.”
“OK.”

The second guy said, “I want that too, young and healthy forever.”
The Genie nodded. “Alright.”

Then he turned to the third guy. “And what about you? Do you want the same?”
The third guy shook his head. “No. You know when you take a crap, and it comes out quick, clean, and easy? And then when you go to wipe, you realize it’s already clean? I want every single one of my shits to be like that for the rest of my life.”

The other two friends looked at each other and raised their hands.

“””””

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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: “Make me one with everything.”

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying “That will be $4 please”.

After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks “What about my change?” “Ah,” replies the hot dog vendor, “Change must come from within.”

“””””

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A cop is driving out on patrol one night. When he sees a car whipping past at high speeds. He turns on his lights and sirens and pulls them over. He gets out and sees this little old lady in the driver’s side, she rolls down her window and says “Is there a problem officer?”

The policeman says, “Ma’am are you aware you were going almost 25 miles per hour over the speed limit?”
“Oh, everything is fine officer, I didn’t think I was going THAT fast, I mean I guess was going just a little over the speed limit, but I didn’t think it was that much.”

The officer replies, “Ma’am the speed limit is 45 you were almost going 70.”

The woman laughs “45? Oh! That does make sense. You know I thought it was weird, having a speed limit of 67!”

The officer exclaims “67! Ma’am that’s the route number! Not the Speed Limit!” He shakes his head chuckling. Then notices an old man in the passenger’s seat, white as a sheet and gripping onto the center console and door strap for dear life. “Sir?” He asks concernedly, “Are you all right?”
Slowly, the old man turns to him with the fear of God in his eyes and shakes his head. “We just turned off from route 128.”

“””””

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