Joke of the Day: Never paid

A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed 4 dollars.

“But I paid, don’t you remember?” said the customer.

“Okay,” said the bartender. “If you say you paid, you did.”

The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn’t keep track of his customers’ bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.

The barkeep replied, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.”

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.

The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.”

“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responded. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

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Joke of the Day: Jason walks in to a bar

Jason Osgood walks in to a bar,sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender gives him his drink.

Jason says to the bartender, Ill bet you $50 that I can bite my ear!

The bartender says, All right.

Jason takes out his false teeth and bites his ear. The bartender pays him his $50.

Jason orders another drink. The bartender returns with his drink and sets it on the bar.

Jason says to the bartender,I,ll bet you $50 that I can lick my eye!

The bartender smiles and says, I know you cant do that.

Jason takes out his false eye, licks his eye and puts it back in.

The bartender pays Jason $50 and walks away mad.

Jason gets up and mingles for a while. Twenty minutes later Jason sits back down at the bar and orders another drink. The bartender comes back with his drink.

Jason says to him How would you like a chance to win your $100 dollars back?

The bartender looks at him and says, All right what are you going to do this time?

Jason says, You take that beer mug and slide it all the way down the bar,and I,ll pee in it and wont miss a single drop.

The bartender accepts and slides the mug down the bar.

Jason starts pissing and pisses all over the bar, on the cups ,the whiskey,just everywhere.

The bartender says [with a smile], You owe me a hundred dollars!

Jason pays him and walks away.

Twenty minutes later Jason returns to the bar with a smile, and orders another drink.

The bartender brings him his drink and says,Why are you so happy you just lost a hundred dollars?

Jason says, Well, you see those 3 guys over there? I bet them $200 a piece that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get mad!
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Joke of the Day: Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”

…and they lived happily ever after.

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